I'm workin' hard here folks, YA GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHIN'

It's getting down to the wire here at the Helen of Toy Company. We need to push product, so we've lowered our price. I know in these budget strapped times $1.98 doesn't go as far as it used to, so for one time only the Helen of Toy Company is reducing the price of one of her finest products.

Feel the need to destroy? Blow things up? Scare the buh-cheeses out of your neighbors? Or maybe just live out your fantasy of world domination? Well have I got a deal for you. For only $1.50, yes...you heard me right. For one thin paper bill and 4 bits you can be the owner of a Nuclear Naval Battle Game! Such deals don't come down the pike very often.

Convoy Terror_tatteredandlost
Click on any ship, missile, or explosion to see it larger!

For only one buck and fifty cents you'll get two complete Navies, one gray, one green. I bet some of you are thinking, "Boy, what a shame I didn't take advantage of those two previous offers. Not only would I have two working Navies, but I'd have all those Roman Soldiers plus a complete battle ready band of Yankees and Lobster Backs." Well, that's why I can't express enough to you the urgency of this offer.

Act now and you'll get 2 Aircraft Carriers. 4 Destroyers. No, make that 8 Destroyers. And we even include a Frigate? Don't know what a Frigate is? Best go ask your daddy.

Remember this offer of $1.50 is for the toys only. You don't get the water. You don't get the explosions. You don't get the outlandish mishmash of typefaces. No...you get the toys. After all that's our business here at the Helen of Toy Company.

Offer only good until midnight October 1963.

Prices slightly higher in Canada because, well...they're higher. They're closer to the North Pole.


  1. Hello,
    Kim Jong Il here. We'd like to order a couple hundred of those.

  2. LOL. That's better! Do you know if you have any old paper (like a billhead or letterhead) just layin' around on a dusty desk somewhere deep in the War Zone? Perhaps under the Trojan Horse paperweight?

  3. Hello Mr. Il,

    I hope you're feeling better. Always like to start off a sale with a small joke about a small man.

    I think we can probably work something out for you, very special deal. Meet you under the clock tower at midnight. Bring American Express. Never leave home without it.

    Your trusty Helen of Toy servant

  4. Sorry Mr. Cachet,

    Our business is strictly cash and carry. We leave no paper trail.

    Your trusty dusty Helen of Toy servant

  5. Seriously Dave, I never find the sort of paper you're talking about. I've looked hoping to score something nice for you, but it's never at the flea market or the antique store. I keep my eyes open.

  6. Seriously love the typefaces! I believe Helen of Toy was the mother of cut and paste! LMAO!!