CHRISTMESS GIFT IDEA No. 13

Still racking your brain for that PERFECT gift? You've come to the right place. Seriously, I doubt there is another place online that gives you three cookie recipes AND PIERRE THE POODLE made from plastic bags. As usual, you get your money's worth here. I will however tell you that I have not made any of these items. I know, you're stunned to think I'd offer up something without first doing extensive testing. You're on your own!

(SOURCE: Beter Homes & Gardens Christmas Ideas for 1963)

A kid's BIRTHDAY NIGHTMARE!

Sometimes I just don't understand home economists. How do they come up with some of the crazy recipes you find in cookbooks and magazines? Do they think nobody will notice that they've completely come off the rails? Do they have any idea what a kid's face would look like if on their birthday they were served a bowl of cream of mushroom soup with a candle floating atop a piece of toast stuck in place with peanut butter? Do they think this kid would ever get another kid to come to one of their birthday parties again?


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This page is from Cooking with Soup published by Campbell's in probably the 1960s or '70s.

Looking for something to serve the kiddies before the unveiling of the Cream of Birthday soup? How about creamed corn with bologna? Mmmm mmmmm good!

I won't even comment about "swirly soups" being exciting. Nor will I ever cut a piece of cheese to look like an animal.

This is why I only took one year of Home Economics in high school. I was just too snarky for it.

FUDGE! FUDGE! FUDGE!

If you saw the title and are now disappointed to see fudge recipes you just aren't paying attention. If you don't like fudge there's nothing to see here. Move along. Tomorrow might be better.

Does anyone else get chocolate recipes out around 10 pm and dream of all the things you could make and eat, but because it's so late you know you won't, which saves your waistline and your pocketbook? No? Really?

Many many many years ago, when I lived in L. A., I can remember several times going into my roommate's room and saying, "If I made a chocolate pie would you help me eat it?" My old roommate was, and still is, a chocolate lover.

Now, I'm not saying these were great pies. I'd make the pie crust from scratch, cook it in the microwave then throw it in the oven to brown, put the crust in the freezer to cool, mix up chocolate pudding from a box, pour it into the now cooled crust, squirt canned whip cream all over the top. We would then sit down and eat the whole thing. Entire thing, from idea to washing up dirty pie pan, would take a little over an hour. If I did that now at 10 o'clock at night I'd be as big as a barn. Currently I'd say I'm closer in size to a chicken coop.

The following are from the 1941 The Candy Book published by Consolidated Book Publisher for the Culinary Arts Institute.

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Now, how the heck did meatballs end up on the back cover of a candy book?

What do you cook at a FUDGE PARTY?

I'd say this title is similar to "Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?" Rather self-explanatory.

Since posting the fudge party postcard the other day, I've been thinking a lot about fudge; more than usual. I have resisted all urges to make any. A friend makes some each Christmas and gives me a can. I make that last for several months. But oh, how nice it would be to have a piece right now; especially my grandmother's fudge. Alas, it's been over 40 years since I tasted grandma's fudge. Funny how some smells and tastes stay with you forever.

I give you some fudge recipes from a 1931 cookbook put out by General Foods. Best Chocolate and Cocoa Recipes from Walter Baker & Company, Inc. located in Dorchester, Massachusetts. This company was founded in 1780. It is now owned by Kraft Foods. You know, mergers, mergers, mergers. You can still buy Baker's chocolate, though being on the West Coast, I tend to now buy Guittard, a local SF Bay Area company.

So knock yourself out. Get the mixing bowls out and get to work. And if you're not in the mood for candy try a fudge cake. Then do let me know if you tried any of these. I will only read them and dream.

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Headquarters of FINE CHEESE COOKERY!

I never knew that Kraft Foods was the "headquarters of fine cheese cookery." When I think of cheese and Kraft I think of those plastic slices individually wrapped in plastic or I think of Cheez Whiz, which is useful for caulking windows and bathtubs. But "fine cheese cookery?" Sorry, no. Not even close. But here we have Kraft themselves proclaiming this honor. I give you "44 Wonderful Ways to Use Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese."

We will go from the somewhat appetizing to the ludicrous to the "surely they must be kidding?!"

The cover starts off safe enough. The pie looks edible. The color photography and reproduction isn't horrific. I have no idea when this booklet was published. No date is given, but looking at some of the recipes and how truly truly weird they are you can bet it's 1950s to '60s. I'm imagining a lot of these recipes were served at women's club meetings and smart dinner parties. I do know the tomato aspic looks familiar from a luncheon I was dragged to. Alas, you will not be subjected to the photo of the tomato aspic. It is far too pedestrian.

Do remember, you can see any of these delightful recipes larger by clicking on them.

Here, on the back cover, is where Kraft toots their own cheese horn.

Okay, now we start to get a little women's club luncheon with the tomato rose salad. The thought of putting this together makes my eyes roll into the back of my head, the thought of eating it? Well, considering some of the other recipes this one I might be able to force down, part of it.

And now we get to the "could recipes be any dumber?" When food is presented as cute or clever I want to vomit.

And now we come to the truly bizarre. I give you THE BURNING BUSH!

Imagine a bunch of drunks spotting this on the buffet table at a party or polite women at the women's club:

"Oh Marge, this is fabulous. What DO you call it?"

"The Burning Bush."

At that point every woman in the women's club was heard choking on their chipped beef cheese ball.

Ever heard of SOS? No? Served in the military on metal trays. Well, the nice way of saying it is chipped beef on toast. The other way is SOS. I'll let you find out for yourself what it means if you don't already know.

Kraft has taken SOS to a new level. Chipped beef cheese balls. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Oh my, and a grapefruit too. Whenever I think of grapefruit I immediately crave chipped beef and cream cheese.

THIS is the reason why I never wanted to take home economics in high school. There were women who actually got giddy over these recipes.