Recipes for People with TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS

Be creative with pears! Isn't this what you were hoping I'd post?

Click on image to see it larger. Seriously, that's the only way you'll get the recipe.

Seriously who spent the time thinking of putting food coloring on the side of a pear to "simulate fresh fruit"? Okay, if this booklet was from World War II I'd understand the need to make-do, but there's no indication these are war time recipes. Nope, there were some very strange women somewhere rubbing red food coloring on canned fruit. A little too kinky for my taste.

You know, bigger is better so go ahead and click on the image. You know you want to.

And aren't we glad these recipes haven't survived? Imagine going to a smart dinner party and being served a pear covered in cream cheese with almond slivers sticking out like a porcupine. I know, I shouldn't say anything bad. Let people have their hobbies. I don't understand this anymore than I understand table-scaping.

Oh oh...new hobbie. Table-scaping AND doing weird things with cream cheese! Imagine the book!

Bless you home economic ladies at Kraft. Now where's that Cheez Whiz cookbook?

Headquarters of FINE CHEESE COOKERY!

I never knew that Kraft Foods was the "headquarters of fine cheese cookery." When I think of cheese and Kraft I think of those plastic slices individually wrapped in plastic or I think of Cheez Whiz, which is useful for caulking windows and bathtubs. But "fine cheese cookery?" Sorry, no. Not even close. But here we have Kraft themselves proclaiming this honor. I give you "44 Wonderful Ways to Use Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese."

We will go from the somewhat appetizing to the ludicrous to the "surely they must be kidding?!"

The cover starts off safe enough. The pie looks edible. The color photography and reproduction isn't horrific. I have no idea when this booklet was published. No date is given, but looking at some of the recipes and how truly truly weird they are you can bet it's 1950s to '60s. I'm imagining a lot of these recipes were served at women's club meetings and smart dinner parties. I do know the tomato aspic looks familiar from a luncheon I was dragged to. Alas, you will not be subjected to the photo of the tomato aspic. It is far too pedestrian.

Do remember, you can see any of these delightful recipes larger by clicking on them.

Here, on the back cover, is where Kraft toots their own cheese horn.

Okay, now we start to get a little women's club luncheon with the tomato rose salad. The thought of putting this together makes my eyes roll into the back of my head, the thought of eating it? Well, considering some of the other recipes this one I might be able to force down, part of it.

And now we get to the "could recipes be any dumber?" When food is presented as cute or clever I want to vomit.

And now we come to the truly bizarre. I give you THE BURNING BUSH!

Imagine a bunch of drunks spotting this on the buffet table at a party or polite women at the women's club:

"Oh Marge, this is fabulous. What DO you call it?"

"The Burning Bush."

At that point every woman in the women's club was heard choking on their chipped beef cheese ball.

Ever heard of SOS? No? Served in the military on metal trays. Well, the nice way of saying it is chipped beef on toast. The other way is SOS. I'll let you find out for yourself what it means if you don't already know.

Kraft has taken SOS to a new level. Chipped beef cheese balls. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Oh my, and a grapefruit too. Whenever I think of grapefruit I immediately crave chipped beef and cream cheese.

THIS is the reason why I never wanted to take home economics in high school. There were women who actually got giddy over these recipes.